Courage in a woman is often mistaken as insanity

Someone recently told me that I am too independent(which is a bad thing.) ... I do not understand that.. too independent in relation to what and who? I believe that I need emotional dependence... and i crave and search for that... fearless.. even that is a misnomer... all of us have fears .. some of then which we are unaware of... i treasure that fact that I am a woman... and my expressions reflect that. Ii is tough being 'seen' as a misfit as a black sheep... and sometimes you start 'feeling' that you are.. Courage is about facing your fears, challenging your inhibitions and I believe that is what is required... 

Sorrow of being...

I should be happy but I am sad
Mad., mad at the world around
Mad at me

I want to fly
High, touch the sky
Pulled down by
Myself I cry

Cry, cry for what?
The lose of love?
Love the way I want it
Not the way you think
The way I want it

Cry, cry for what,
The lose of time
Time of fun and joy
Not as you think it
The way I want it

May be yes,
I am petty, I am crazy
I know am not nice
But I am me

I should be me


I should be happy but I am sad
Mad., mad at the world around
Mad at me

..Untitled...

No...

This feeling of loneliness and boredom I dread

Not just dread but hate

Suffocation

It is a bait,

A bait, a temptation

To be reckless

Pulled back, restricted...

I feel

Waiting to fly away

I betray

My duties, my determination

Desperate,

I look around for words,

words, Words!

Soothing words

Of love, support and inspiration

Nought! Nothing!

Where are you?

I look around again and again

Bring me some motivation

To go on undaunted

To be, to stay 

So that I don't betray

My duties, my determination

Desires of a life long lost

It is the same feeling of the past,
I think
Aghast,
At this shiver which arose
As if a blooming rose
In the cold winter wind
That which I thought was a childish kink
Seems to be a crucial link
To understand what I want, my desires
I smile to myself, my cries
Of warning myself I ignore, feeling
That melting moment
When my lips touched yours quivering and surrendering
To the passion within...
Within that moment
Are the desires of a life long lost......

The Bald Decision!

Its been about two weeks since it happened.... Just got up one day and decided yes it was the right to do this... Its now or never!! I have been told that I am indecisive, confused etc etc time and again at different points of my life but there is one thing which I know and people who really understand me know. That once I decide something then I would do it, go through the full circle... Not always to my advantage but anyway..

So then I got it done... Shaved off all my hair!! Yup, finally gathered enough courage to do it. It was funny to see the reaction of the hair stylist when I said I want to completely get rid of the hair on my head.... 'but WHY!!?' and I could not stop laughing at his reaction. My classmate who accompanied me was also excited...

So why did I do it? I have tried to honestly mention all the reasons here :)

1. Few years back, on a visit to a temple in Karnataka, I had seen a rather young and much in love India couple who both had shaved heads. It fascinated me. The lady was looking rather radiant and beautiful in her bald avatar.I decided I would also get it done at least once in my life.

2. Reading about what shaving of the hair signified, I realised that beauty  and vanity of a woman is also associated with her hair. All the poems and songs about the thick, dark, luscious hair of a beautiful ladylove that I am sure all of us (at least Indians) have heard more than just once. How obsessed are with our hair? It defines our personality, makes us worried and concerned (hair fall!!!!), makes us spend time and money on taking care of its looks ( Oiling, styling). What it would be not to have to worry about that for a few months? How would I feel?

3. I do not consider myself religious but rather spiritual. I believe that your sense of self and also ego is to a great extent related to your outward appearance of which hair also is a major part. Thus shaving of the hair for me also signifies a type cleansing,a kind of letting go of that attachment to myself and my outward appearance. 

And how did I feel when my hair was being shaved off?

A strange sense of non attachment. I did not feel any sadness or wistfulness at the fact that my hair was all going. I myself was surprised by that sense of calm within me. The person who shaved my hair was sadder and stated it with these words " You know how much time it would take for your hair to grow to this length now?" (not that my hair was that long and luscious!!)

What did I feel after ?

Lighter, happier and HIGH on my baldness!!! Also a slow change in how I perceive myself, I cannot describe exactly what.... but looking at life from a different lens, with a sense of non attachment, objectivity and greater levels of kindness and love. I did not know that such a small act of mine could make that kind of a change in me.

What were the reactions?

The most important people in my life are my parents and brother and as always they were uber cool with this move of mine. Everyone wanted reasons!! Some people were damn shocked and totally in disagreement and stated so... Most women were actually complementing on my boldness/bravery/ courage/confidence... an angle which I did not think about at all in all the years I have been contemplating shaving off my head. Some people say that I look even better in this style, especially some real good looking men and women ;)

So these were some of the questions that I have been asked by friends, well wishers and complete strangers have wished to get answers to. Thought I would share to get your comments.

Story of stories

The story so far,
Made of so many stories
Make me, Me

At the start, of Every story
The confidence of the knowledge
'This is what I want!' or
'I know what I want!'
How funny is that,
Think I now,
At the end of it now

The doubts start
Churning and brewing
Like bouts of acidity
After a heavy Indian meal!
Midway through this happens
Then,
The thoughts turn positive,
Like a sudden 'Eno On' effect,
Quells the discomfort for the time.

Finally stifled and strained
The bonds break
A permanent Cure, I wish to find
Shackles to be broken,
Pulled down again and again
Breaking down walls, bridges and dams
I run
Swearing, Never again, never again!
Alas, if I only knew!

This is the story of all stories,
The formula which is common throughout,
Yet it happens again and again....

GDP measures everything “...except that which makes life worthwhile.”

“Our Gross National Product...counts air pollution and cigarette advertising, and ambulances to clear our highways of carnage. It counts special locks for our doors and the jails for the people who break them. It counts the destruction of the redwood and the loss of our natural wonder in chaotic sprawl. It counts napalm and counts nuclear warheads and armored cars for the police to fight the riots in our cities..., and the television programs which glorify violence in order to sell toys to our children. 

Yet the Gross National Product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages, the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage, neither our wisdom nor our learning, neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country, it measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. And it can tell us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans.”

Robert F. Kennedy, speech at the University of Kansas, March 18, 1968

This is even more relevant in the context of developing countries like India, where leading politicians still talk about maintaining the rate of growth of GDP or even increasing. In the context of the diversity of cultures, values, deprivation that exists in this country... we need to look at development with a different lens...I do not have answers here but questions questions questions!!

Really what does development mean to us?