The 'I am Me' Rant...

This may offend you, make you angry or sad... I don't know. But I do not believe that society will ever treat two human beings equally; something or the other will be found that will be used to discriminate, control and discourage. Gender, race, caste, money are just tools used for these. If these diffrentiations cease to exist, new ones will be found. I write this as a woman...albeit privileged and fortunate enough to be born in a particular kind of a family...

I am me
The whole me
Each part of me is mine
Mine alone to dine, wine
and bed
No God, no devil
I am just me

I am me
The fat on my belly is me
The scar on my nose is me
That bald head of a year back is me
The tears in my eye, the loud laugh is me
I change as you do change,
With time, But I will not be the bird in a cage

I don't care if they care for me
But control you can't me
I don't care if 'they' are 'bad'
But I will do what is 'bad'
Oh! the dress I wear is to low or short or tight
But for that right, I will put up a fight

I am me
Each part of me is mine
Mine alone to dine, wine
and bed
No God, no devil
I am just me

I don't care what 'they' say
Come what the hell may
I will be me
I will be me

This post has also been published at Mission Sharing Knowledge

Travelling Alone...

How open are you to a job that would involve travel?

If someone would have asked me this question about a year back I would jump and say "I would love a job that has a lot of travelling!!" Well if someone asks me that now, I would take a moment, lean back and ask, "Now what kind of travelling are we talking about?"How, how often and where?"

In a month, 15-20 days are spent travelling on an average in my current job. And mind you, this is not the flight hopping, AC taxis kind of travel. This is the very down to earth, state transport bus, shared overloaded taxi/auto  kind of travel. The nearest railway station is more than 50 kms away from the village where I work, thus it is easier and more convenient to hope on to a bus directly to my destination. The whimsical, ever changing schedules of the Maharashtra State Transport buses are now routine to me. Sometimes an equal or even more amount of time is spent waiting for the the bus, than it takes to actually reach from point A to B. The travel kit is always ready; a bottle of water, Britannia Marie biscuits and toothbrush (in case I need to stay the night!). Thus you can say it has become a way of life, you may say.

While travelling in these areas, one of the main issues faced is the availability of toilets. Sure, every major bus stand a 'toilet' but beware of the condition that it might be in. And that is a really sad truth. Even in major cities like Pune, one can only lament at the condition of the public toilet in the bus stand. A safe,clean and functional public toilet in these areas is still a luxury that very few places offer. It is hardly a wonder where the officially the coverage of toilets is about 40-60% and we all know how authentic these figures are! Thus when the journey is about 4-5 hours long and you know there are no toilets, the only thing you can do is restrict intake of fluids or water. But this is also not possible during hot summer days...

Well that seems to be a question that does not have a solution that I can offer.. another issue is that of safety. Due to the whimsical timing of the State transport buses, it becomes important to plan my visits to the villages and the travel in such a way that I am back home or at the place am staying before its late night. When I had to travel after nine thirty due to lack of buses earlier, I found myself to be almost alone in a bus full of men. If am lucky, there would be a woman or two, but that would be rare exception. It is not that any untoward incident happened to me during these occasions but it goes without saying how vulnerable I felt during the whole journey, with lewd stares from some men, some questioning stares and more. A single woman traveling at that hour is not acceptable in these areas.

But then work is work and I have to do it. Thus the travels continue....


This post has been published at http://missionsharingknowledge.com/traveling-alone-how-open-are-you/ also....

Safety of women and self defense

We are all living in this illusion of safety. That a woman can be attacked and assaulted in the ladies compartment of a train is totally appalling. It shows us the lack of security and safety in our cities. Delhi, even though it is the capital of India, is somewhere I would not want to live in and neither would my parents encourage. Just the  incidents that actually get reported would discourage any woman to go live on her own in the city. But this is closer to home!On 28th January 2011, there was this report in the newspaper claiming that Kochi is safe for women. I sarcastically had retorted that this is because women here do not step out after 7 pm! 

If anything this recent tragedy that cut short the life of Soumya only points to the glaring issues that need to be addressed regarding the safety and security of women. The fact that this happened in the Ladies compartment of a train, is ironic and makes us question the kind of security provided.  This struck me as my parents always asked me to avoid sitting in the ladies compartment unless there are a good number of co - passengers. According to them the ladies compartment in the most dangerous one!

Lot of hue and cry is being raised over this incident now. Citizens are agitated and indignant. The politicians are making statements and counter statements.A lot of promises are being made. The media is also giving a lot of hype. But what will change actually remains to be seen. Once this story becomes 'stale', will the issue of the freedom of a woman to travel, to even get out of the house at any time of the day remain an important issue? Will the women in Kerala stand up and raise their voice against any kind of exploitation or harassment  faced by them almost on a daily basis? Or will they accuse each other of being the instigating these attacks? I now remember the public signature campaign that our college students' council against the harassment faced by women while travelling in buses and otherwise. It had generated a mass response from both the local media and the public and a lot of changes were definitely brought about. But even those were short lived and not consistent.

Who is to blame for these kind of attacks on the dignity and safety of women?

The lax attitude of the government?

The society in which such perverted characters are molded?

Ourselves?

How can such attacks be prevented? How can we make our cities safer for women? Multiple responsibilities fall on multiple people. 

Let us first talk about ourselves before anyone else

So how do we ensure our safety, security and keep our dignity? The easiest and most obvious is not to travel alone after a certain time.  But that would only encourage these hoodlums to attack the women who have no other choice but to travel by night. And what if you are attacked when at home or some where else?

I have written down some thoughts which came to my mind 

• 
  
• Learn some self defense techniques! It will also boost your confidence.
• Be alert and aware of people and your surroundings (this is applicable whether it is day or night)
• Stay with the crowd. Especially at night do not move around deserted areas.
• • Avoid speaking on the mobile phone or do anything which can make u seem distracted.
• Use a barrier or distance to make an attack difficult. Thus lock your doors!
• Always carry something which is easily and quickly accessible to use as a weapon. An umbrella ( especially the kalan kuda)! A Pen, a safety pin and don't hesitate to use it if required!
• Do not hesitate to scream, shout in case you are being targeted whether overtly or covertly i.e attract attention.
• If attacked, act quickly and decisively. How to escape or how to fight and incapacitate the attacker needs to be decided keeping in mind the surroundings and the situation.
• Use your strongest weapons against the weakest targets of the attacker. The eyes, throat,  and groin are the primary targets while the abdomen and face are the secondary targets. Your strong weapons are the bottom of your feet, elbows, hammer fists and palm heels.
• Stand up for any other woman being harassed or attacked. You also could be in a similar situation!
• Please do approach the authorities. Do not hesitate to file a complaint. The perverted offenders should not be allowed to move around scot-free.
• Share your experiences and tips on how to prevent such attacks with other women. Educate them. 

 These are not in any way an exhaustive list on how to prevent attacks and how to defend/protect yourself. But I hope it has given you some information and insight. If we act meek and submissive the chances of being targeted will only increase and at the same time reckless and reactive action is also not advised. Common sense, confidence and alertness are key to preventing attacks/ harassment and defending yourself.

What the government and railway authorities will or won't do, we cannot be sure of. But that should not stop us from protecting ourselves or our loved ones.

Before marriage till marriage!

Man is a social being. This is something which we have all studied at some point of time. Thus one of the most cruel and effective form of punishment/ torture meted out to criminals, terrorists, etc is solitary confinement. The need to communicate and interact is something of the utmost importance to human beings in order to retain their human nature. Self expression, exchange of ideas and organisation are somethings which we are experts at utilizing for our benefits. Thus we have groups beginning from the family to nations. We have created complex social structures which compete and cooperate with each other. On the basis of social interactions among human beings spread over time and continents, we have established a wide variety values, norms and rituals which are the foundations of the human society.

The society keeps changing, earlier this change was at a much slower pace. Somethings which were unacceptable, unpardonable and frowned upon, are now part and parcel of our society and nobody gives a second thought to them. Similarly, some accepted aspects of society are now considered a blight on society. Thus change is also an important aspect of human civilization.

This change has also affected the dynamics of men and women. May be some people have enjoyed or suffered these changes more than the other! There are of course extreme situations of women still living in the same age old conditions and bound in tradition or poverty,but in this particular discussion I would not elaborate on that. Feminism, Liberalism, Capitalism and many other 'isms' have contributed in parts to this change. So a woman doesn't look at a good marriage/alliance or domestic life as the only criterion which makes her life a success. It is definitely still one of the most important things to majority of women but education, career, self dependence, financial independence, an interesting social life are also being counted somewhere on the list.

A fairly well educated woman in her twenties wants almost everything from a good job, a handsome and loving husband, friends,a fun social life, decent salary etc etc etc. She doesn't want to have the life of her mother, she wants it to be better and bigger! Any mention that her gender makes her vulnerable is almost blasphemous. Her semi-liberalism and semi-feminism along with her ego would be a force to reckon with. She is assertive, confident and has her own opinion on everything ranging from fashion to politics. At work she may be ruthless.Efficient, competitive and aggressive she want that corner office to be hers. She looks for true love and romance but at the same time is practical when it comes to decision making...She is becoming more and more demanding it seems... ah and confused too. What is the most important? What is the priority?

Until few years ago, the man was the sole breadwinner of the family. He took on the burden of providing a good life and a better future for his children, at least in financial aspect.A well settled (government) job, a 'good' wife along with a sizable dowry would probably make him seem more successful back then.Now look at a twenty or thirty something man, he is equally confused. The father was feared and revered. His appreciation and love, one could only see the glimpses of. He sees his mother, always loving , most probably a housewife. She was the stable rock of his family when his father was busy working or on tours. She is the quintessence of womanhood and selflessness for him. The women his age confuse him. They are his classmates, friends, colleagues/superiors. Equally aggressive and competitive as men, and given undue advantage at times due to their gender. And yet they crib about inequality! Life is becoming tough for him. A simple joke and they get offended!

He is in a reasonably good job and enjoys the weekend parties and stuff.Parents want him to marry, but is he ready for marriage? And demands from the parents of the prospective brides are also high. In addition, the question of whether or not to accept dowry. His ex gf thought he was an MCP with double standards. Yes,it is imperative for him to earn more than his wife, what will his friends and family say otherwise! He wants a working woman, but not a career woman.He wants to definitely have a better life than his father, who he thinks had it all easy. The option of changing jobs is open, but with the recession and all, the growth in salary is not worth it. At the same time staying in a company for more than three years may mean stagnation. May be he should go for further studies?Or is it better to get married and 'settled' now?

       And it is in between all this confusion that suddenly a their families find a good match in each other's families, backgrounds, etc. Its in a daze that meet each other, ask each other some questions, forgetting the important ones, which  they always wanted to. 

'Do you like her/him?'  

'Yeah she/he is okay. I would like to spend more time though.'

'Oh sure! You will have all the time after the engagement. We need to fix a date for that though.'

After that its a whirlwind... Time passes so quickly .. then engagement, the thousands of calls and SMS's, each of them trying to impress the other, share as much as possible about themselves, the apprehensions and doubts,etc etc. Then the wedding shopping, planning... 

And Voila! The D day is here. The usual confusion and mayhem prevails during the wedding also... and soon its all over or should I say its all beginning of everything!

Let me not say more now... Just 

Wishing them a happy and blissful married life!

:)

She.. A woman

The Sex,

Once known, it remains

To be seen,

If she would see light

Or murdered she would be

Within,

Will this world, she see??

By birth, it’s decided,

Her future,

Her thoughts, conditioned to submit,

Her Voice, subdued and restricted

Every step she is made to realize that she is different,

Through Rebuke, Idealization, Emotion or something else

She is made to feel different, think different

The Child is moulded into a 'She'

Growing up is a pain,

Shame and Modesty

These words are introduced

The Honour and Dignity of the family

Are put into her innocent lap,

Even the Culture of India,

To be protected by her actions!

Confused and Encumbered

She remains,

Everything is changing, nothing remains the same

She is made into what is wanted of her

Not, who she is...or who she wants to be

Is there a choice?

Marriage is inevitable,

Not that against it I am

But why inevitable? From her birth,

She is told

Preparations start,

All the saving, investing

More than that the lessons

Of subservience, manipulations and techniques of control!!

(She needs some weapons too you see!)

Her life is a saga of

Sacrifice, Compromise, and many other 'ices'

Outspoken, she can’t afford to be

To be Seen, not Heard,

Sometimes not that, even

Father, Brothers,Husband, Children

Rule her world,

She is the foundation of their lives,

Yet ignored, rejected at times.

Put down, used, abused and abandoned

Intelligent? Hard working?

Artistic? Or whatever?

Does it matter?

What does she want? Does that matter?

What matters then?

The gender defines her roles

What she can do? How strong she is?

And Every other aspect of her life.

It is hard to break the mould,

It is difficult to find acceptance,

Feminist,Different, Bold, Selfish,Abnormal,

These or some other tags

Will be her reward, In case she does...

Achievements or Recognition, leave aside

To be herself, Just,

The Fights she has to face,

This is Her story

Being a woman...

Eve Teasing? Are you Kidding me?

Frankly,I take offence to this term eve teasing.. Wikipedia describes this term as a euphemism used in India and Pakistan for sexual harassment or molestation of women by men in public... According to me it just makes light of the inexcusable, immoral and lecherous actions of filthy cowardly men who do not leave an opportunity to humiliate women.

Personally, I myself have undergone and have seen such shameful instances and am proud to say that I have stood up against the insensitive and disrespectful perpetrator(s) of such actions. But more often than not, the woman/girl is 'advised' to keep her mouth shut and tolerate such disrespectful actions. What is that prevent women from raising voice against sexual harassment in public? Why are we silent witnesses to the lady standing beside us in a bus or walking on a busy market street getting violated?

Its rampant in India, this kind of public sexual harassment. And sadly, most of us feel that the woman is equally responsible.' The lady in question is judged on her dress, her mannerisms etc if she dares to raise her voice against the pervert who pinches, fondles, or uses sexually flavored filthy language! The people nearby are more interested in seeing the 'tamasha' than intervene and put the perp to task. The sneers, the comments embarrass the lady to no end. Yes there are laws, but more than laws, the attitude of the society, men and women, towards such acts need to be changed.. the term eve teasing should be done away with...

Walking down a street, travelling on a bus, or even partying with friends, the one thought that is always there in the back... How do I prevent myself from being subjected to public sexual harassment? Thus special effort is taken to dodge the hands and legs, dress and act 'properly', etc etc but does it spoil the fun or not! So does being a an average woman mean that I need to behave a certain way to avoid being targeted... No!The fact is that, however you behave, dress and wherever you are, whatever time it is... you are at greater risk of being violated just because you happen to be born as a female.

Am I not a free citizen of this country? Why does being a woman make me less free? Why do I have to tolerate the nonsense of the perverted men who want to assert their non existent superiority or sexuality?